What NOT to do while watching ' The Lord of the Rings'

It's important for you, the reader, to precisely understand what is the motivation for a post like this.

All around I see pretentious assholes who think that their parents doing the humpity-hump behind the Columbus ride in Appu Ghar was the best thing to happen since the Big Fuckin' Bang.

You know these guys... They have a new hairstyle every month, they wear t-shirts with slogans like "Via-Agra : Man's Greatest erection for a Woman" and the only thing they ever read is the "Whats Hot & Whats Not" section in stupid fashion magazines.

So this is the 1st in my series of Top-10's so that this particular lower race of homo sapeins with the IQ of a newly born frog; may look, well, just a wee bit brighter.

What NOT to do while in the theatre when watching "The Lord of the Rings"

1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait...where the hell is Harry Potter?"
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming, "YOU.....SHALL NOT..... PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
3. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
4. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
5. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mis..ter Anderson."
6. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
7. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
8. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout, "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
9. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!"
10. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for a tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"

Another Top 10 next week... More of people you love to hate !

We promote gambling on this blog! (Rounders, a review)

I'm a big supporter of gambling....

Last Diwali, when gambling for the first time, I discovered how easy is it to take money off ignorant half-wits whose faces contort into grotesque Mr. Bean tributes everytime they have bad cards.

And Of course, when their cards are good they waste no time in letting me know. Its usually in the form of a very intelligent question. "Uhh... What is the maximum I can raise the bet by?".

So, with a big Thank You nod! to all the people who made the above faces and asked the stupid questions, last Diwali - I present to you a review of the movie Rounders. The perfect motivational tool for all you wannabe gamblers out there.

You really should see this movie before you hit the Diwali parties this season.

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ROUNDERS : 1998
Cast: Matt Damon, Edward Norton, Gretchen Mol, Martin Landau, John Malkovich Director: John Dahn Classification: R - (Profanity, violence)

Rounders starts off with a poker game with Mike McDermott (Damon) and the Russian gangster KGB (Malkovich) squaring off a high stakes poker game. Predictably enough Mike loses the game, and with it all his life savings.

Ten months later we see Mike living in with his girlfriend (newcomer Mol), enrolled in a law course. He has given up cards for her, but when his old buddy Worm (Norton) is released from jail, Mike can't help but play a few games.

Work, however, is back on the streets with a huge debt to pay and, consequently, his life on the line. Mike decides to vouch for Worm to the loan sharks and thereby puts his life in danger as well. Now they have 4 days to gamble and make $15,000 to pay off the debt.

Dahl (The Last Seduction), departs from his usual non linear style of direction in this movie. The story is of one persons strength of character, and it remains that. It could very well be a baseball movie - just with cards; But do note, it's the cards angle that makes all the difference here.

Damon (Good Will Hunting) and especially Edward Norton (Fight Club) put in fantastic performances. Norton is the guy you hate for what he's put his friend into, and Matt Damon plays the "Oh God, how can you be so damn nice" character. While the predictability of the movie takes off some of the shine, Rounders remains as out and out entertaining movie.

The gambling angle, along with some well researched New York slang used in the gambling dens, give this movie its uber cool factor. The movie is also supported by a great script that very convincingly takes you into the world of high-stakes poker.

I liked this movie....

Goodbye Dear Friend, 2001 - 2006

It was 4 days back when he left our house, but I still remember how he came there in the first place. The story dates back to 2001.

Sometime in 2001:
I had earned enough cash by washing cars, and walking dogs. It wasn't a very enriching experience to say the least.

"6:00 AM, a cold winter morning.
Its so cold, your nipples are as hard as diamonds.
Your only friends are the other car washers... Raju and Suresh have their words of encouragement; They say it gets much better after the frostbite... You cant feel anything then. The monotony is broken with a bird shitting on my head... aah, the warmth."

By mid-2001, I had enough to make the purchase. It was a humid day. The bylanes of Lajpat Nagar in Delhi was our destination. After looked at the others it was clear that for Rs 9500 I was only going to get this bugger. The others were much more expensive.

Initially he was just supposed to help me impress the chicks. Period. Finito.
But over the years things changed. He helped with the chicks, and alot more.
We went everywhere Reydhun, Pepsi Storm, Youth Nexus, Pulse @ AIIMS, and many other places. He was friend, brother, the bile of my creativity (sorry ashwin).

All through school, I'd bunk thanks to him; And college, he was the excuse that let me keep long hair.

I could get drunk, hammered, wasted, sloshed, blown, intoxicated, bombed, canned, inebirated, juiced, tanked, pissed, plastered, sozzled, zonked ... And all people would say, It's OK ... he's a musican.

Then I sold the bugger... and to 2 guys in fake Nike's from Manipur.
This so they could start a punk band.... P U N K !!!
fuck punk. punk sucks.

....What was I thinking !!















"...It's OK, He's a musican."

...of Supermarket Temples, Levitating saadhus and Blatant Disregard for Construction and Land Use Norms

The Akshardham temple : Either you are one of those who has seen it, or you are one of those who missed out - For it is a spectacle like none other.

or as I like to call it, "The Disneyland of Hinduism"


A quick primer on the temple.... Location: Nodia Mor, East Delhi.
- It is positively huge. The parking lot is probably as big as some of the islands in Indonesia.
- It bright, and always lit up, just like your friendly neighbourhood drug addict.

Yes, the Akshardham is unique. In fact, a bit too unique. Perhaps the levitating saadhus hadn't envisioned a few alternative uses for the temple, but here are a few to help them out. Jai Ho

1. The Lights.
When an kid sitting in Jaipur goes, "The temple is blinding my eyes", you know there are far too many lights.
I'm thinking maybe, we could use the place as Delhi's next international airport... Hey, its already got the lights and the parking space... All we need now are duty free booze shops and Nigerian drug peddlers.

2. The Water.
When your high school geography teacher takes you on a class trip to the Akshardham temple to show you, streams, creeks, brooks, rindles, rivulets, tides, torrents and fucking river deltas - then trust me, there is far TOO MUCH WATER, smack in the middle of a dry riverbed.

Maybe if the DJB (Delhi Jal Board) tapped this water, Delhi would finally get those alcohol distilleries its been hankering for all this time.....

3. Multiple square miles of parking.
Miles and miles of Parking? In Delhi? Are you sure? ... What are all those surrounding lights for? That's right, its a Cricket stadium.
(and God is right next door... the Indian team can't possibly lose again).... Can it ?

Can you add to the list? ... Comment.

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Refrences:

• "Killing Delhi's lifeline", An article on encroachment on the Yamuna bed [link] [alternate]
• "The monstrous Akshardham temple, aggressively encroaches on public space by flouting all rules" [Hindu, Nov, 2003]
• "It is worth mentioning that the Master Plan has been violated far more systematically and ruthlessly by the rich and the powerful and the government itself than by anybody else. The entire Asiad 82 infrastructure, including stadia, hotels, flyovers etc. were built in violation of the Master Plan. Thousands of farmhouses encircling Delhi are again violations of the Plan. From Akshardham temple to the Metro Rail Depot to even the Secretariat of the Delhi Government- all these are violations" [link]
• And this rant would be incomplete without one by Carlin. "No God, transcript" [link]

and Whats the point again, of evicting traders, when even the Delhi Secretariat is a flaming example of illegal construction.

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