May 08, 2007

An actual exchange on a social networking site

"World of Idiots":
i haven't scrapped you in a while... it's only because orkut is a cumstain on the proverbial pants of humanity and needs to be wiped out before we're all wearing google t-shirts and swearing allegiance to the oogle. remember back in the old days when monkeys wore trousers and the giant pig-demons only demanded sacrifices once every six weeks. Sigh... i miss those days when you and i would gear up in our thongs and mud wrestle for the ultimate control of the universe. I also miss the mighty buffalo as they scampered across the plains leaving steaming rivers of cowpies in their wake. I remember when i ran into you in zurich as you were trying to subtly remove all traces of that transvestite's spittle from your zipper and then we teamed up to battle Archduke Ludvig Von SimonNGarfunkel the Vth before he used his ray of meat to turn the entire world's beer into that juice sausages are preserved in. Good times.... sniff... good times...

give me a call. I need to meet with you in Singapore.

I know it's been a while, but let me assure you that I am not avoiding your twin-orbs because of the fact that my underpants were found in your girlfriend's bedroom. Until the DNA tests are declared, everything is purely circumstantial. So, I shall most definitely rendezvous with you in Singapore. As per my contacts the chip we implanted in you using that anal probe shows your location as 1.20.54 N / 103.40.54 E in Singapore. That is where I shall meet you.
As I type this I am on the Gulfstream G550 of the Dutchess of Stone Temple. The Pilots inform me that ETA at the above co-ordinates is 33.11" minutes. By the way, she says Hi!! She is reminiscing about that time when she and her cronies caught you paying for that sex change operation in the Bahamas using the Indian government bonds. I feel terrible, you had to become the pin-cushion for her mindless droves until you finally escaped. Too bad that limp never left you. Aah… Good times, good times.
So what might be on the agenda in Singapore, old friend?

"World of Idiots":
A few months ago I received a communique from our mutual friend Sir Winston Huntingtoncarmichaeljerkoffonavich. It seems Sir Winston has run into a spot of trouble in Singapore regarding an old acquaintance of yours. That's right! I refer to none other than the crown prince of buggery : Felix Bastardton "Fatality" Jackson. It seems Felix is upto his old ways yet again. The last word I received from Sir Winston said he was pursuing his investigations regarding Felix in the number of bars in Singapore that cater to the um.. male persuasion specifically. It seems Felix Bastardton "Fatality" Jackson is attempting to round up an army of dainty men. Who knows what kind of terror he may unleash upon the world with such a force of fearsome, ferociously feminine fairies! It is up to you and me my old friend to stop him and rescue Sir Winston from Felix's deadly powers of tube suction. What say you? Can you tear yourself away from your busy schedule of skullbuggery and bestial fornication? I eagerly await your reply.

If Sir Winston is in a spot of bother then the only honourable thing for us to do is for us to save the man. After all the pig's heart that beats within you was transplanted by none other than Sir Winston himself; when you got a heart attack thanks to that particularly ferocius squirrel you were trying to poke. I never saw a critter bite like that, and haven't to this day.
Now regarding our crises at hand: I propose the following plan. Across the road from the mansion we set up an a chaste looking boutique which only sells baby pink shirts and g-strings & a has a beauty parlour. For this we should enlist the services of your old friend Archduke Humphry Buggery and his pet iguana. This should distract Felix's army of man fairy's for a significant enough time. Then you make your move. You shall simply walk inside waving an industrial strength tube of KY Jelly (it is the equavalent of a white flag on Felix's mansion.) Now, when I hear the sound of incessant pounding coming from the main chambers, I shall use the jetpack given to us by the Gorgamoks of Delta V and rescue Sir Winston. Your signal to get out is when we shut down the boutique on the opposing road - Listen closely for a loud, collective "Awww" from the man fairy's
The real problems will begin once we have to leave Singapore - Felix has contacts in the government. Any ideas?

"World of Idiots":
It looks like we wont need to go to Singapore after all! I tracked Felx Bastardton "Fatality" Jackson to a remote island in the Carribean using the magical powers of google earth. I fear his going there leaves me only 1 conclusion. He's attempting to team up with your ex-fiancee Col. Horatio Dunderbangley Galaxyingots Jones, Mrs. I don't know what he wants with the Col. but it can't be good. I can understand your trepidation in dealing with the Col. after all he still has the ring you gave him. But I think the fate of the World should be given more importance than your illicit sexual escapades in Zanzibar. Once you arrive in the Caribbean I will give you further instructions that will tell you where to place the Ferret powered Rocket Launcher and we'll have to coordinate when to fire the Custard Cannon. I've been given special access to the inventory of my ex the fabulous supermodel Miss Penelope Sexyngton and she's let me have her remote controlled thong bomb which you will need to wear. See you there!

We have a problem. My sources in the Interpol tell me that the thong bomb which is being sent to you by Miss Penelope , is in fact a highly fatal letter bomb. It seems Miss Penelope is still irate at you, because on when you swung around to kiss her on your first date, your man breast whipped around and lodged itself in her eye. She is now the proud owner of a Louie Vitton glass eye. But we still must save the world from Bastardson and his evil schemes to make everyone Fat, with his Collagen Cannon. To this effect I have called in a favour from the Chinese. The Premier, Hu Jin Tao is still pleased with your Courtesy Suck services rendered in the dense bushes behind their Parliament. We blast off from Jiuquan Satellite Launch Center in the Gansu Province and rendezvous with the Chinese death ray satellite in orbit currently 0 degrees over Lake Tangianika. We then incinerate Felix's compound of doom. Of course, Mr. Jin Tao expects a full week of your services. Remember to brush your teeth Agent.