An actual exchange on a social networking site
"World of Idiots":
i haven't scrapped you in a while... it's only because orkut is a cumstain on the proverbial pants of humanity and needs to be wiped out before we're all wearing google t-shirts and swearing allegiance to the oogle. remember back in the old days when monkeys wore trousers and the giant pig-demons only demanded sacrifices once every six weeks. Sigh... i miss those days when you and i would gear up in our thongs and mud wrestle for the ultimate control of the universe. I also miss the mighty buffalo as they scampered across the plains leaving steaming rivers of cowpies in their wake. I remember when i ran into you in zurich as you were trying to subtly remove all traces of that transvestite's spittle from your zipper and then we teamed up to battle Archduke Ludvig Von SimonNGarfunkel the Vth before he used his ray of meat to turn the entire world's beer into that juice sausages are preserved in. Good times.... sniff... good times... give me a call. I need to meet with you in Singapore. |
Me:
If Sir Winston is in a spot of bother then the only honourable thing for us to do is for us to save the man. After all the pig's heart that beats within you was transplanted by none other than Sir Winston himself; when you got a heart attack thanks to that particularly ferocius squirrel you were trying to poke. I never saw a critter bite like that, and haven't to this day. Now regarding our crises at hand: I propose the following plan. Across the road from the mansion we set up an a chaste looking boutique which only sells baby pink shirts and g-strings & a has a beauty parlour. For this we should enlist the services of your old friend Archduke Humphry Buggery and his pet iguana. This should distract Felix's army of man fairy's for a significant enough time. Then you make your move. You shall simply walk inside waving an industrial strength tube of KY Jelly (it is the equavalent of a white flag on Felix's mansion.) Now, when I hear the sound of incessant pounding coming from the main chambers, I shall use the jetpack given to us by the Gorgamoks of Delta V and rescue Sir Winston. Your signal to get out is when we shut down the boutique on the opposing road - Listen closely for a loud, collective "Awww" from the man fairy's The real problems will begin once we have to leave Singapore - Felix has contacts in the government. Any ideas? |
Me:
We have a problem. My sources in the Interpol tell me that the thong bomb which is being sent to you by Miss Penelope , is in fact a highly fatal letter bomb. It seems Miss Penelope is still irate at you, because on when you swung around to kiss her on your first date, your man breast whipped around and lodged itself in her eye. She is now the proud owner of a Louie Vitton glass eye. But we still must save the world from Bastardson and his evil schemes to make everyone Fat, with his Collagen Cannon. To this effect I have called in a favour from the Chinese. The Premier, Hu Jin Tao is still pleased with your Courtesy Suck services rendered in the dense bushes behind their Parliament. We blast off from Jiuquan Satellite Launch Center in the Gansu Province and rendezvous with the Chinese death ray satellite in orbit currently 0 degrees over Lake Tangianika. We then incinerate Felix's compound of doom. Of course, Mr. Jin Tao expects a full week of your services. Remember to brush your teeth Agent. |